Posted: 3:40 p.m. Monday, July 15, 2013
By Omega Wolf
North Carolina basketball coach Roy Williams has finally issued a contradictory and somewhat befuddling statement re: #wheelsforheels and the P.J. Hairston cars, drugs, and guns saga.
Roy said he did not want to make a statement until the legal process "had been finalized" because that "is the way of our country." I think we can translate that: I was hoping PJ's lawyer could get this thing postponed until after his junior year, when he'd be gone for the NBA and out of my hair, but the new chancellor and the NCAA is breathing down my neck, so I'm gonna issue a non-statement statement.
Then there's this bit of heehaw:
Certainly the idea of suspending P.J. has been discussed. However, he is not currently enrolled in summer school, is not practicing with the team and we have no games until November. There are several options available in terms of discipline, but we are going to wait until the process is complete to decide on those options.
I read between the lines thusly: If he were in summer school, we would actually make him come to class and do some work. That'd teach him! But, since he's off smoking doobies and underage drinkin' and whatnot all summer, we can't do nothing to him now. So, we will issue a statement about how we'd really like to do something, but ultimately we're waiting for the legal process to go the way of the country and get postponed until after the season is over. Then we'll suspend him forever since he'll be off to the NBA.
Roy also vaguely hinted at "other issues" that "have been written about and bother me deeply." Lot's of issues that could bother a person have been written about over recorded history, such as this, or this, but one assumes ol' Roy was jabbering about the program-wide problem of receiving impermissible benefits in the form of free Hertz rentals on Fats' dime (agent runner, cough cough). Roy assured us that whatever "these issues" are, they will be dealt with "harshly and appropriately at the correct time." It is safe to assume that "the correct time" will be whenever it will have the least impact on the team's basketball season. I imagine we'll see staggered suspensions for everyone linked to the car rentals that magically take place for marquee matchups against the likes of Joe's Bible College and Mary's Sisters of the Poor.
Roy went on to talk about how much he cared for each individual in the program. In the classically vague style of his buffoonery, it is difficult for the reader to discern if Roy means"each individual" in a general sense, or if he means there are multiple individuals who are in trouble (not, of course, because Roy and UNC actually don't condone their actions, but because they got caught), or if we are just talking about PJ.
Alas, we can all breathe a sigh of relief because Roy assures us that this dark period in Carolina history "will pass." Yeah, like a kidney stone.